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| and in truth, she missed him
even though he was never really hers </3
All of my friends keep telling me, the best way to forget how badly he hurt me, is to lock away my emotions.
But I can't. I keep reflecting on our conversations together & how he made me laugh & how I made him laugh & what we could've been. That's what's hurting me so much. It's what could've been. I just don't want to live with this.
And I'm supposed to talk to him like we're just friends. It's gonna hurt so much. And I know that he's gonna forget about this so soon. But I can't.
It's not like I expected us to be together forever or anything. And sooner or later, there would be the inevitable end. But somehow, it hurts more than I thought.
I know I sound so melodramatic, but it's hard to ignore. I know people can't relate to this, simply because they're not me. But it hurts. It just...hurts.
Xanga break...and this time, I don't know when I'll come back.
Sometimes people make mistakes. But am I up for forgiving him?
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| I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm realllllly hot.
These are the words Michelle told me to say to myself around 3 this afternoon.
These are the words I don't expect anyone else to say to me ever.
These are the words that bring me such insecurity.
These are the words that are screwing up my relationship right now.
Somehow, I can't accept the fact that maybe God isn't really screwing me over like usual. That someone seriously seriously likes me. Why is it so hard for me to believe? That's the question everyone keeps asking me. What's so hard to believe?
"You're a great person. You're funny, you're nice, you're intelligent. So what if you're not gorgeous? You need to have more self-confidence and believe you are."
These words, or some variation of it, has been repeated to me in a monotonous tone for the past few years. So why is it taking me so long to believe it? I just don't get it. I just don't get it.
When someone tells me why they like me, I want them to mean it. And I want to believe it myself. So why is it so hard?
 & 
edit__
LOL, Jenny. Trust me, I'm not trying to be Emo & whiny & such. It's just that I had this huuuuuuuge fight with him & I got jealous for like no particular reason, and I'm trying to find the reason why. Is it just cuz I'm insecure or is it something more? I'm having trouble understanding the concept of 'accepting who you are'.
I hate myself so much sometimes.
I hate myself for fucking it up by getting so fricking jealous. That was probably the stupidest thing I've done this year. And that's saying a lot. And all I want right now is for him to forgive me, but seeing as how he's mad at me & ignoring me at the moment, that won't happen, can it? And I'm scared our plans are cancelled and I'm scared he doesn't want to talk to me and I just think that if I were so insecure, shouldn't he be making me feel less insecure about myself? Just a thought. Just a frickin' thought.
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| It feels like these few months have been out of someone else's life.
It doesn't feel real to me. I like the feeling of these moments where I feel like nothing can go wrong because I have him in my life.
But it ends, doesn't it? It fades away...
But I know that if I try, it's not going to end. If I don't break it off, he's not gonna break it off.
I have to try harder not to fuck this one relationship up because I really care about him. So wish me luck. edit___ TOO LATE. I'm a fucking idiot...
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| edit__
When I was younger, I had this little fantasy life mapped out for me. I would do this & this, then this would happen, et cetera et cetera. I think everyone's been through that phase at some point, but mine didn't end until a few weeks ago. Because I kept trying to force things to be perfect, to be what I wanted them to be, but I realized that what really happened would fall short of my expectations. Time & time again, I would be disappointed. So what was the point of that?
I decided to just forget about it, follow the natural flow of things. If something's meant to be, then it will happen. I should just forget about it, right? But sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes there's this feeling inside me, when I really want something, that I will feel like I have to fix it, like it's not good enough on its own. I suppose that's both a blessing and a curse. I feel like if I push too hard, then everything will come tumbling down. But I'm afraid if I don't try hard enough, it's gonna crumble on its own anyway.
And the worst part is I'm not sure who to confide this to. So I thought maybe you guys could give me some advice. I don't want to tell him, but it's just how I feel. And it's confusing me so much, because I like him so much, and I can't even bring myself to say why I want this to be so perfect and according to my ideas. I just want this to be good because I don't want to fuck it up like I have done to almost every other good relationship I have had. I feel like I sabotaged those. I think deep down, I didn't want it to be so good because then the reality of it ending would've hurt more than anything else.
But with him, I don't care about the ending. I don't care about the hurt & the pain & the disappointment. With him, I'm willing to overlook all that. And that's where I'm finding trouble. Why do I feel like everything's fine the way it is with him, but there's still this nagging suspicion that something's gone astray, that he's thinking something different, and I might not like it? I suppose we all have different ways & views of perceiving things, but I'm afraid of letting go of my fear and just letting things flow. I'm afraid it's all in my head, that it isn't real, and I'm trying my best to force them to be real. I'm afraid that he's lying to me. I know that sounds so bitter & really horrible, but I guess it's insecurity.
If he made me feel safe, I wouldn't need to think these things ever. But it's still in that really awkward phase where you just can't say anything too honest or truthful, because you know it will hurt the other person. Yet sometimes I just want to scream that I want him to be honest with me. I don't care if he thinks I should know or that I shouldn't. Either way, he should tell me. After all, if he really cared about me, why shouldn't he?
Any advice, guys?
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